Fantasy Leagues

With the baseball season ever closer, it's time to address a ritual that hordes of wanna be general managers partake in every year. They call them their Fantasy Leagues, Rotisseries, or simply, their Leagues. They flock to buy the most complete and updated specialty guidebooks to help them with their mock drafts. Discussions over how the point system is structured are sure to lead to bloody noses. Do you award a pitcher 1 point for a strike out or 2? Do you subtract points for a walk or a wild pitch? What about a bean ball right to the dome? Seriously, wars have started over less. Don't even get them started about who gets to preside as league manager to approve lopsided trades. These deals are dirtier than back dated stock options for executives, insider trading over lavish golf outings replete with lap dances at Spearmint Rhino in Vegas, and free trips to Europe from Washington lobbyists.

Even though these exercises in stupidity continue to gain in popularity, I have yet to comprehend their appeal. Perhaps I'm too much of a hometown fan. Picture this scenario, it's late September at Shea Stadium and the Phils are neck and neck with the Mets for NL East supremacy. In the bottom of the 9th, with the Phils up by one, David Wright laces a game winning two-run double right past the painfully slow one-footed defensive liability Pat Burrell. That is certainly a crushing blow for any die-hard Phillies fan. But there is no way that I could live with myself if after the game I thought, "We sure gave that one away. Burrell is absolutely horrible. Why didn’t Manuel sub in Roberson for defense? Well, at least Wright is on my fantasy team and he just added to my daily point total."

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the talents of today's superstars. But there is no way that I can cheer for an archrival's achievements, especially against the Phils. That's why I have always said that if I can't have all of the players on my favorite team, I don't want to play. If somehow Pat Gillick can pull off a trade using all those sleazy tricks of the trade listed above consisting of Abraham Nunez and a no name player to be named later for David Wright and a first round draft pick, then I'll root for him. Until then, grow up.

The bottom line is that these leagues take way too much time. So much so that the people actually spend hours racking their brains trying to come up with a catchy team name, like Morgan's Mullets. Then they have to monitor their team every day to make sure they don't have Kerry Wood as their starting pitcher the day that he falls out of the tub and dislocates his index finger. I devote enough time and energy on thinking about the merits of Rod Barrajas versus Chris Coste as the Phillies starting catcher. There's no way that I can be expected to keep track of how Coco Crisp is doing against left handed pitchers in day games and stay on top of the daily activities of my home team. How do you expect me to play video games too? After all, they are my own personal fantasy leagues, and that’s just fine with me.